NWA Carnyland Episode 1 Report
May 19, 2020
You can follow me on Twitter @TheHootsPodcast
Transcription by Josh Lopez
A MESSAGE FROM EDDIE KINGSTON
— NWA (@nwa) May 19, 2020
I gonna put it to you like this folks, the NWA asked me to speak to y’all. And i’ll put it you like this, they’re gonna entertain you with this carnyland thing, and you have a lot of competent people there, they’re gonna entertain you. But what I want you people to realize, and I want the whole wrestling world to realize is this, we miss that squared circle, we miss performing. We miss it, not because of money, because we all know you cannot take money to the grave, so none of us do this for money. If we did, a lot of us would not be in this. We do this for the one thing that will live forever, and that’s your name, and that’s your legacy.
How will you be remembered when you’re dead and gone? Because the one and only true fact of life, is that we’re all gonna die at some point, we all know our ending. How will you be remembered? That’s what we all do, that’s why we do this sport, not for money, for legacy. And now because of this pandemic, we all at the NWA have an opportunity to build on our legacy. We have the opportunity to come back stronger and better than ever. So, ladies and gentlemen, enjoy, understand that we miss you al and we miss entertaining you in that squared circle. But I guarantee you this, we’ll be back, we all will do this sport proud, and we will all live forever because our names will ring bells, our names will live in eternity because we love the sport. Much respect and move love, stay strong.
NWA Carnyland – Episode 1 – A LONG WAY FROM NWA POWERRR Narrated by Stu Bennett
You can be a part of @Carnyland
— NWA (@nwa) May 19, 2020
Joe Galli: I’m Joe Galli. You may know me as the voice of The National Wrestling Alliance. But just like everyone else here, i’m just a citizen of Carnyland. There’s a lot of important things that I need to tell you about Carnyland.
Stu Bennett: Galli, would you please stop?
Joe Galli: Stu, is that you? Where are you?
Stu Bennett: I’m everywhere, Galli. And also, nowhere.
Joe Galli: How come I can’t see you?
Stu Bennett: Because I am the narrator of Carnyland. I can go where I want, when I want, anytime I want in Caryland. Also, they couldn’t actually afford to pay me my very high on camera rate.
Joe Galli: Well, if you’re the narrator, then what am I doing here?
Stu Bennett: That is a great question. Let me fix that right now. So, now that Galli is gone, Carnyland is more than just this one show, it’s much much bigger. And it doesn’t get much bigger, than the man who is the Worlds Champion, Nick Aldis
True Carnyland Stories With Nick Aldis
All right, so when most of you think of me, you think of the current era NWA under Billy Corgan. But, if you thought that was my first time with the NWA, you’d actually be mistaken. Because a few years ago, I was booked for a show somewhere near Bristol, Tennessee for a promotion that at the time was an affiliate promotion of the NWA, under the previous administration. I agreed a price with the guy, that included a hotel, which is standard. I also agreed to be paid a little extra to drive instead of flying. I received a deposit and a screenshot of the hotel confirmation from the promoter, who for the purposes of this will call, Carny Chris.
I get to the hotel a few hours before I had to be in the building, I check in with a lovely order lady at the front desk that we’ll call, Doris. I give Doris my name, and to my surprise, she can’t find my name in the reservations. So, I show her a picture of the confirmation in my phone, and I explain I’m in town for a wrestling show. Doris says, oh, I know Carny Chris and decided it was probably just the system being slow to update. Nonetheless, my carny sense is tingling. So, I don’t put down a credit card for incidentals. Doris says, no worries, she’ll get to Carny Chris, and checks me in anyway. I mentioned the mix up to Carny Chris at the show, and he says, oh yeah, ain’t no thing, man, I took care of her brother. I never heard anything more about it. I wrestled my match, got some takeout, a six pack, and went back to my hotel. And everything seemed fine, until the next morning.
I leave early to get home in good time. I’m on the interstate for about 20 minutes, my phone rings, and I see the number is a Bristol, Tennessee number, so I answer, thinking maybe I’ve left something at the hotel. On the other end of the phone, is an irate Indian man yelling at me that I had left without paying and he’s gonna call the cops if I don’t come back and pay. I say, hey, man, look, i’m sorry, but this guy Carny Chris said that he paid for the room and i’m 20 miles up interstate 81. But right as i’m getting off the phone with this guy, I see blue lights, I hear sirens, two cop cars coming up, I pull over. Next thing I know, wham, I’m being slammed on the hood of my car by cops being arrested and cuffed.
Okay, so that part wasn’t true, but the rest was true, and you know, it’s Carnyland, so anything is possible. Carny Chris had never confirmed the hotel booking, he’d completed all the necessary steps for the booking, and pre-paying the hotel so that the confirmation page came up on the screen, which he then took a picture of, cropping out the confirm button, so it looked like the booking was confirmed. Presumably, his thought was, I put down a card for incidentals and then when I checked out, they just charged my card for the whole room, at which point, the show would be done, he’d get what he wanted, he’d be in the wind. Fuck, Carny Chris. Doris on the other hand, was just lovely. In fact, speaking of which, oops, that’s her calling right now, gotta go.
Carnyland College – Cliche Promo 101 with Allysin Kay
Fade in from black, I’m already invisibly washing my hands to show that I am deep in thought.
My physiology and my eye contact are all over the place, because I’m nervous.
State the date and the time of the show, the name of the promotion, the name of the venue, the address of the venue, and my opponents name, all within the first sentence because that’s how it’s always been done.
Now, I attempt to sound philosophical by reciting a quote that I will later forget to tie into my actual points.
Insert opponents name, I give a vague threat. The more cliche, the better.
Pause, laugh, because that’s what bad guys do.
And I may have forgotten my next line, so I’m gonna get real close to the camera, and i’m gonna get real quiet because someone once told me that’s what you should do to get people to listen. And then, I’m gonna get real loud, preferably yell so that the audio cuts out because that’s what wrestlers do. And then, I’m gonna step back and i’m gonna give a semi-decent closing line, but I didn’t really think about what I was going to say, so I just keep rambling after that. But that’s okay, because I should talk for at least three to five minutes so that the majority of my audience loses interest before I even get to finish, and they’re not even gonna get to hear my whisper, my weak closing line.
Should I storm off or are you gonna fade to black? Those are the only two endings that I know. Keep staring, okay.
Next Week: Go Away Heat 101.
The ELI Drake Show
Joe Galli: Man, I do not like that Stu could just make me disappear whenever he wants. I don’t even know where I go. I just slip into some weird void and then I come back. Am I still myself? Am I still alive? Did I die? I’m having all of these different thoughts. And all I wanted to do was talk to the visitors and the citizens of Carnyland. You know who else likes to do a lot of talking? Somebody who always wants to talk to us, a guy who’s gonna have another show here at Carnyland, that’s Eli Drake.
Eli Drake: Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who do not know, my name is Eli Drake, and my mouth has got me in a lot of trouble over the years. I’ve lost a lot of jobs because of saying maybe the wrong thing. Fuck you, you piece of shit. Why are you such an asshole? I’m tired of your shit? What the fuck is the matter with you? My current job, well, they just give me my own show. Let’s start the countdown until I get fired, it’s The ELI Drake Show everybody, YEAH ! Tell it’s the worst show that you ever seen, fine, i’ll come back and shit in your cheerios next week. You let me know, I’ll let you know, ask me any questions you want. Follow, Subscribe, Like. It’s Carnyland, it’s the NWA, it’s, Eli Drake. This has been The ELI Drake Show, I want to thank you for coming along this experience.
Tim Storm’s Carnyland History Lesson
Today’s History Lesson, Benjamin Franklin. We know a lot of things about Benjamin Franklin, he’s one of the founding fathers of the united states. We know that he was a printer, he was an abolitionist, he was a philosopher, he was a writer, a politician. We know all the things that he invented like The Franklin Stove and Bi-Focal Glasses, we know that he had a lot with discovering the uses of electricity. And he was a huge diplomat, usually to France, sometimes to England. Most of his money, because he was really started out as being very poor, came from writing Poor Richard’s Almanack, which he wrote under a pseudonym. We know that he was a key figure in the writing of The Declaration Of Independence and The Constitution, two of the things in our country’s history that actually set up how our country is supposed to be run.
One of the things that we may not know that he invented was called a Glass Armonica, which was actually used by both Beethoven and Mozart. First, Postmaster General started the University of Pennsylvania, even thought for the most part, he was self educated, but this is Carnyland. He’s in both the Swimming Hall Of Fame and The Chess Hall Of Fame. He actually invented flippers for both his hands and the feet because he swam so often. We know that he wrote The Declaration Of Independence and The Constitution, but what you may not know is that he wrote a paper called, Fart Proudly, about how proud he was of flatulence. He wrote a booked called, The Drinker’s Dictionary. And then, one that he was particularly proud of was called, How To Pick A Mistress. Some people don’t know, Benjamin Franklin at sixty years of age, kinda of a player. What Benjamin Franklin does, and again, this is not proven, but there’s speculation that he had up to 15 illegitimate children.
One of the things that he was most fond of, he referred to as an air bath. While in France, he would routinely, almost daily, sit in front of his window, completely naked, watching the people go by. He jokingly recommended that the national bird of the united states be the turkey instead of the bald eagle. And he once electrocuted himself, experimenting with how to cook a turkey, using electricity. Not a popular belief, but it’s a fact that they found up to the bones of up to 15 people in the basement of his London home. Now, Benjamin Franklin was not a serial killer, but he was allowing one of his friends, that was an anatomy person, to look at bodies and kind of experiment with that in the basement. So then what it really comes down to is this, is Benjamin Franklin, the founding father of the United States or was Benjamin Franklin the founding father of Carnyland?
THE CARNY TRANSLATOR
— NWA (@nwa) May 20, 2020
David Marquez: Hello, I’m TV personality and legendary pro wrestling promoter, David Marquez. You might recognize me from Championship Wrestling From Hollywood, On Main Street USA in Disneyland Park, and of course, the NWA Podium. And i’m here to solve a problem for you. Have you ever been in a conversation where you felt the other person wasn’t being 100% honest with you, like they’re trying to pull the wool over your eyes? Well, we have a solution for you. Introducing, The Carny Translator.
So, let’s see how it works. If a promoter says to you, the checks in the mail, what it really means is, hey brother, I need this 30 dollars for a down payment on a replica championship belt. If a wrestler says, he’s gonna be there on time, this is what he’s really saying, hey brother, the marks are buying me cocktails in the hotel lounge. I’ll arrive some time after the third match. So, when fans say, oh, we’ll be back and bring a lot of friends, what they’re really saying is, hey brother, we’re gonna start 17 new podcasts about your show, but never pay for a ticket again. So don’t let them carnie you, ever again, get yours today.
— NWA (@nwa) May 19, 2020
Joe Galli: Well, I’m not exactly sure what happened there or what part of Carnyland i’m in right now. This goes to show that anything can happen here on Carnyland. With Carnyland, it’s so much more than just one show, I mean, you just saw what Nick Aldis is putting together with What’s Causin’ Aldis. And we have lots of other programs that are coming out right here on this YouTube Channel, also on other platforms as well, so you want to make sure that you follow these links down below.
Now, one of the most important shows, at least to me, that’s going to be airing tomorrow is, Inside The NWA. In-depth interviews with the men and women who make up the National Wrestling Alliance. That first episode is going to be an interview with our president, William Patrick Corgan, as well as, Dave Lagana. I’m doing that interview, where i’m gonna be asking them the tough questions, the questions that I know you want answers to.
Stu Bennett: Galli, Galli, Galli. This isn’t The Joe Galli Show, this is Carnyland. In fact, goodbye, Joe Galli. That’s better. One place I can’t wait for people to go, it’s deep in history, I’ve been told that Shooter Aron Stevens spent 1.2 billion mongroves, producing this documentary on the history of Mongrovia. This is Mongrovia Unmasked.
MONGROVIA UNMASKED Part 1
Aron Stevens: Hello, and welcome to the maiden episode of Mongrovia Unmasked, I’m Aron Stevens. And today, we’ll be diving headfirst into the hidden mysteries known as Mongrovian Geography. My sensei in Karate, The Question Mark, will lead us on a journey into the very bowels of the unknown. So, grab your sleeping bag tent, trail max, cellophane, and miners hats, this is Mongrovia Unmasked. Much like its most famous citizen, The Question Mark, Mongrovian Geography is bewildering, complex, awe inspiring, and a conundrum of the laws of science and nature as we know them.
Take for instance, The Questionable Bay. Located in Central Mongrovia, The Questionable Bay obey’s both waters that have been described as giving the appearance of glass. If one was to throw a pebble or a rock into these waters, no ripples would occur. Boats and ships of all kinds, made of the highest quality material such as steel and other metals, have sunk to the bottom of Questionable Bay, faster than the ratings of a wrestling show after I’m done performing in it. We then journey to the breathtaking long mountain range, the volcano known as Mount Saint Question, is rising to a height unknown, simply because man has not made the instruments to measure that high.
The fiery landscape around the top of the majestic mountain, makes a magnetic monument to most Mongrovians, because Mount Saint Question is considered one of the most sacred sites in all of Mongrovia. The truth is, we can’t fit all the wonders of Mongrovian Geography in one show, but I do assure you that we have brought you more information about the landscape of Mongrovia than any other source in the known world. Thank you for joining us, and we look forward to seeing you in the very near feature with another episode of Mongrovia Unmasked.
Stu Bennett: Huh, maybe 1.2 billion mongroves doesn’t equate to the same amount in pounds or dollars.
– Zicky Dice Vignette
Here’s The New Current Slate Of Programming On The NWA YouTube Channel
– Monday: What’s Causin’ Aldis?
– Tuesday: NWA Carnyland
– Wednesday: Inside The NWA
– Thursday: The ELI Drake Show
– Friday: Girl Powerrr
Checkout Episode 205 of The Hoots Podcast