WWE Raw Results 3/23/26
TD Garden
Boston, Massachusetts
You can follow me on Twitter @TheHootsPodcast
Commentators: (Michael Cole & Corey Graves)
Ring Announcer: Alicia Taylor
Transcription by Josh Lopez
Brock Lesnar, Paul Heyman, Oba Femi Segment
Paul Heyman: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman. I serve as the advocate for the only being on the face of the planet to hold the NCAA Division 1 Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Heavyweight Championship, the WWE Heavyweight Championship, The Beast, The Conqueror, The Main Event Of WrestleMania, Brock Lesnar. Ladies and gentlemen, I have to tell you, you’re pissing off Brock Lesnar. And the reason why you’re pissing off Brock Lesnar is because let’s all be honest with each other about what happened last week. Last week, Brock Lesnar laid to waste 5-10-15-20 masked men splayed them all over the floor, over the desk, into the crowd, in the ring, beat up 20 men, then got distracted by Seth Freakin’ Rollins. And that, that is when a man so overhyped by WWE, it invoked my rag reflects, this overhyped wannabe ruler comes down and takes advantage of the fact that Brock Lesnar had been in 20 fights, that Brock Lesnar was distracted by Seth Rollins.
For those of you watching in home, they’re reacting to the fact that I’m talking to Oba Femi. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the saddest part of it all. How many times have we heard this same narrative coming out of the WWE Hype Machine? Oh, this opponent for Brock Lesnar is the next big thing, this is going to be the slayer of the beast, this will be the conquerors conquer. When The Undertaker got his streaked conquered by Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, it still pisses people off how many years later. And did The Undertaker get revenge on Brock Lesnar? No, no, no, no. And then came along everyone else that was going to be the one to beat the one in 21-1.
Let’s go through the list. Well, it was Goldberg, well, no, it wasn’t Goldberg. Well, it was Braun Strowman. Well, no, no, it wasn’t Braun Strowman. Oh, well, it was Dean Ambrose, but no it wasn’t Dean Ambrose. It was Bobby Lashley, but no it wasn’t Bobby Lashley, it wasn’t AJ Styles, and it wasn’t John Cena, no. And it’s not going to be Oba Femi, who had his WrestleMania moment when he put his foot on the chest of Brock Lesnar and pointed to the sign. Because that’s your WrestleMania Moment. You peaked. That’s the biggest moment of your career, because at WrestleMania, you’re gonna be beaten, you’re gonna be taken to Suplex City, you’re gonna be victimized. Oba Femi, damn it, you will be conquered by Brock Lesnar.
Oba Femi makes his way down to the ring. That led us to a huge standoff in the center of the ring. Brock talks smack to Oba. Brock kicks Oba in the gut. Brock goes for The F5, but Oba lands back on his feet. Oba clotheslines Brock over the top rope. Oba tells Brock to bring it. Heyman is trying to calm down Brock. Brock decides that discretion is the better part of valor and starts heading towards the backstage area. Brock tells Oba that he’s not that lucky, boy to close this segment.
Dominik Mysterio Promo
This match with PENTA tonight shouldn’t even be happening. If it wasn’t for Finn Balor, I would still be your Intercontinental Champion. But Finn Balor got exactly what he deserved. And PENTA, this is not gonna go the same way it did last time, because now I can focus on you, and once again become the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all-time. Because I am The King Of The Luchadores, “Dirty” Dominik Mysterio.
– We got a video recap of Logan Paul participating in this past weekend’s Fanatics Flag Football Classic. Tensions continue to rise with Logan Paul and Tom Brady.
First Match: The Usos vs. The Vision
Jey Uso and Austin Theory will start things off. Collar and Elbow Tie Up. Theory applies a side headlock. Jey whips Theory across the ring. Theory drops Jey with a shoulder tackle. Theory taunts Jey. Jey drops down on the canvas. Jey scores a leaping elbow knockdown. Jey tags in Jimmy. Jey whips Theory across the ring. Double Elbow Knockdown. Double Elbow Drop for a one count. Theory kicks Jimmy in the gut. Theory with a southpaw haymaker. Theory grabs a side headlock. Paul made the blind tag. Theory reverses out of the irish whip from Jimmy. Paul grabs Jimmy from behind. Jimmy kicks Theory in the face. Jimmy decks Paul with a back elbow smash. Theory drops Jimmy with The Big Boot. Paul clotheslines Jimmy into the timekeeper’s area. Paul is fired up. The Vision has complete control of the match during the commercial break.
Paul applies The Sleeper Hold. Jimmy drops Paul with a Step Up Enzuigiri. Jey and Theory are tagged in. Jey with two clotheslines. Jey is throwing haymakers at Theory. Jey delivers The Rock Punch. Jey runs Theory into the turnbuckles. Theory ripped off the top turnbuckle pad as a distraction tactic. Theory with The Rolling Elbow. Theory with The Roll Through Blockbuster for a two count. Theory rips off Jey’s t-shirt. Theory talks smack to Jey. Jey ducks a clothesline from Theory. Jey Spears Theory. Paul runs interference. Jey kicks Paul off the ring apron. Paul drives Jimmy face first into the steel ring post. Paul pulls out the brass knuckles. LA Knight’s music hits. Knight runs Paul face first into the ring post. Knight gives Jey the brass knuckles. Jey punches Theory with the brass knuckles right in front of the referee which forces the disqualification. After the match, Jey runs back into the ring and clocks Paul with the brass knuckles.
Winner: The Vision via Disqualification
Becky Lynch & AJ Lee Segment
Becky Lynch: You, you boo me, you boo me, you cheer someone who abandoned you for a decade, but you boo me. Okay. I get it, I get it, I get taking breaks, I took a break, I took 10 months off, not ten years, but I did it because you people got sick of seeing me succeed. You got sick of seeing me win world titles, so I went home to my family, to people who appreciate me, to my daughter, to love of my life, and when I came back, I made a point. I didn’t go for world titles, no, I went for the Intercontinental Title. And I turned that title into the most important, most interesting, most represented Women’s Title in all of wrestling, and I am damn proud of that title, I am damn proud of what it represents, I love that title, I made that title. But now I have to watch as AJ prances around she like deserves that title.
And after it wasn’t robbed from me at Elimination Chamber, I went back home to my sanctuary, and I tried to take a break from the people that I love, but when I went home, my daughter, my great accomplishment, she was singing that stupid Light It Up song, and she was skipping around the house, and flipping her like she’s that Jersey Skunk. And it’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that her mom is the greatest female wrestler of all-time, and it’s not just me saying it, other people say it, everybody says it, Sports Illustrated says it, The Bleacher Report says it. Meanwhile, meanwhile, AJ Lee’s greatest claim to fame before this was that she mastered The Diva’s Era. Well, I murdered The Diva’s Era. I put a stick through its heart, and its butterfly belted wings and ripped them off, and that’s exactly what I am going to do to AJ Lee. I am going to get my hands on her.
AJ Lee runs down to the ring. Becky immediately retreats through the crowd. Becky mocks AJ’s skip. AJ climbs up the announce table.
AJ Lee: You like to fight dirty, don’t you? Because you know that every time that we’ve met in this ring, I’ve walked you like a dog. And you don’t want to get embarrassed again, I get that, I feel for that, but maybe that’s what it’s gonna take to get you out of my life and away from my title. Maybe I have to embarrass your ass, one more time, and tap you out in front of the whole world, on the biggest stage of them all. Fine, yeah, yeah, you win, okay. I’m gonna show you why I’m the best of my generation, and yours, and maybe the next why I am your favorite wrestler’s favorite wrestler, and apparently your daughter’s favorite wrestler. I will give you what you want. AJ Lee versus Becky Lynch for the Intercontinental Title at WrestleMania.
Becky Lynch: Oh, you skipped right into my trap, you dope. You have no idea what you’re in for, okay. Because you can shine Monday through Friday, any given week, but WrestleMania, that’s my domain, that’s where I am The Man. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, I remember the last time you competed at WrestleMania, 11 years ago. What happened the day after? Oh, yeah, you skipped right into the office, and you handed in your resignation, and we didn’t hear from you for a decade. Hey, don’t worry at WrestleMania in Vegas, when I take my title back, I’ll save you the trouble, I will end you and we will never hear from you again. Welcome to The Big Time.
– We see LA Knight walking in the back with The Usos. Jimmy was glad that Knight was out there to have their backs. Jey continues to be a hothead. Jey says that he’s not hiding from anyone, everybody has to be dealt with if you talk about his family. Knight understands what Jey is trying to say, but with the way he’s talking right now, he’s starting to sound a lot like Roman Reigns. Jey is getting tired of being compared to Roman and tells Knight that there’s going to be a problem if he keeps running his mouth. Jimmy tells Knight that, just like CM Punk, he should mind his words when he speaks about his family.
Second Match: Je’Von Evans vs. Grayson Waller w/Kofi Kingston
Collar and Elbow Tie Up. Waller applies a side headlock. Evans whips Waller across the ring. Waller drops Evans with a shoulder tackle. Waller kicks Evans in the face. Evans drops down on the canvas. Evans leapfrogs over Waller. Waller answers with a double leapfrog as the speed picks up early on. Evans holds onto the ropes. Evans repeatedly dives over Waller. Evans with a Double Boot. Evans with The Bouncy Hurricanrana. Evans lands The Suicide Dive. Evans rolls Waller back into the ring. Evans ascends to the top turnbuckle. Evans with The Flying Crossbody Block for a two count. Waller drives his knee into the midsection of Evans. Waller applies the cravate. Waller with hammer elbows. Waller dumps Evans out of the ring. Waller wanted Kofi to attack Evans behind the referee’s back. Waller slams Evan’s head on the ring apron. Waller rolls Evans back into the ring. Waller asks Kofi if he’s going to help him or not. Evans delivers The Stage Dive. Evans puts on the headsets and says that we’re outside. Waller regains control of the match during the commercial break.
Waller toys around with Evans. Waller slaps Evans in the face. Waller tells Evans that he doesn’t belong here. Evans SuperKicks Waller. Evans with two palm strikes. Evans sends Waller face first into the middle turnbuckle pad. Evans with The Windmill Kick. Evans with The Springboard Clothesline. Evans follows that with The Red Dot for a two count. Kofi is trying to offer up some encouragement from the outside. Evans and Waller are trading back and forth shots. Waller drops Evans with The Rolling Elbow. Evans showcases his speed and agility. Evans with a Snap German Suplex. Waller avoids The Red Dot. Waller goes for The Roll Through Flatliner, but Evans counters with a Leaping Boot. Evans with a Jumping Knee Strike. Waller knocks Evans on the top turnbuckle. Waller hits The Flipping Unprettier for a two count. Waller drives Evans shoulder first into the steel ring post. Waller ascends to the top turnbuckle. Evans SuperKicks Waller. Evans is throwing haymakers at Waller. Waller shoves Evans off the top turnbuckle. Evans delivers The Super Hurricanrana. Evans connects with The OG Cutter to pickup the victory.
Winner: Je’Von Evans via Pinfall
– Paul Heyman runs into Adam Pearce who’s standing outside of the trainer’s room. Pearce says that Heyman is having a hell of a night so far with Brock Lesnar and The Vision. Heyman wants Pearce to schedule a match for Madison Square Garden with The Usos defending the World Tag Team Titles against The Vision in a Street Fight. Pearce says that Heyman has finally given him something to consider. Heyman is taken aback by that comment, like, what’s there to really consider? Heyman apologizes for his reaction, says thank you, and wishes Pearce a good night. Pearce thought that Heyman heading to the ring. Why would Heyman be going to the ring? He requested time to address Seth Rollins, and that time is now. Heyman says that he’s had it with Pearce, Seth Rollins, Oba Femi, and everybody. As Heyman walks away, Pearce says that he’s not going to miss Heyman at all.
– Boston Celtics Head Coach Joe Mazzulla and Derrick White are in the house.
Seth Rollins & Paul Heyman Segment
Paul Heyman: I’m having a really bad night. And not just because after a 40-year Hall Of Fame Career, I’m relegated to a contractual appearance in Boston, Massachusetts. I’m having a bad night, because there’s no one left for me to hide behind. Bronson Reed will not be back any time soon. Bron Breakker will not be back any time soon. Brock Lesnar is so pissed; he already left the arena. Logan Paul is half conscious, Austin Theory is half conscious, which means that just leaves me. And I have a stalker, a jaded ex, a psychopath who fancies himself a visionary and his name is Seth Freakin’ Rollins. And despite the character that I portray on television, here’s a newsflash for everyone, I’m a man. And I’m a man that’s been pushed too far, and Seth Rollins is a man who feels the same way, which means WWE isn’t big enough for the two of us. No, that’s not a challenge for a match at WrestleMania, we all know I don’t stand any chance in that match nor is it a challenge to fight. But to be honest, what other choice am I left with? So, maybe it’s time Seth Rollins came down here, and put me out of my own damn misery. Maybe it’s time that we do this, right here, right now. If you think that I’m afraid of circumstances like that, you’re 100% correct, but sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do. Are you freaking kidding me? Here’s your moment, Seth, let’s do this. I’m standing in your ring, Mr. Visionary. I’m waiting for you.
Heyman turns his back. Seth Rollins appears in the hooded mask and jumps onto the announce table. Police Officers are telling Rollins to get down from the announce table. Rollins looks impressed with this stunt Heyman pulled.
Paul Heyman: I told you I was gonna settle this with you like a man. Men in my family are snitches, we file restraining orders with the courts, we file lawsuits. You’re within 50ft of me, violation of a restraining order is a felony. You are going to jail. You are going to prison. And when you go to prison, because you’re a felon, your wife will divorce you. And when she divorces you, and she’s married to half of the locker room, someone is gonna call child protection services for your daughter. But don’t worry, I, Paul Heyman, will adopt your daughter, so she doesn’t go through life knowing that her father was a felon.
Rollins breaks free from the police. Rollins storms into the ring. Heyman throws the microphone at Rollins. Rollins drops Heyman with a forearm smash. The police begin to handcuff Rollins. Rollins calls Heyman a piece of shit. Rollins repeatedly says, FA-FO. Rollins is getting arrested. Heyman is laughing with an evil smirk on his face to close this segment.
Third Match: Bayley & Lyra Valkyria vs. The Kabuki Warriors
Bayley and Asuka will start things off. Sane runs interference after the bell rings. Asuka pulls Bayley down to the mat. Asuka transitions into a ground and pound attack. Asuka sends Bayley across the ring. Bayley holds onto the ropes. Bayley kicks Asuka in the face. Bayley rocks Sane with a forearm smash. Bayley tags in Valkyria. Valkyria with a Spinning Back Kick. Valkyria kicks Asuka in the chest. Valkyria headbutts the midsection of Asuka. Following a snap mare takeover, Valkyria tags in Bayley. Bayley with a Sliding Elbow across the back of Asuka’s neck. Bayley with The Sliding Lariat for a two count. Sane pulls Asuka out of the ring. Asuka avoids The Ring Post. Asuka shoves Sane. Asuka with a Pop Up Knee Strike. Sane drops Valkyria with The Spinning Back Fist on the floor. Asuka rolls Bayley back into the ring. Asuka tags in Sane. Double Irish Whip. Asuka kicks Bayley in the ribs. Sane with an Axe Kick. Asuka with a Running Bulldog. Sane follows that with a running basement dropkick. The Kabuki Warriors pose for the crowd.
The Kabuki Warriors had complete control of the match during the commercial break. Bayley knocks Asuka off the ring apron. Bayley side steps Sane into the turnbuckles. Sane stops Bayley in her tracks. Bayley uses her feet to create separation. Asuka starts bickering with Sane. Bayley tags in Valkyria. Valkyria with The Flying Double Crossbody Block. Valkyria with a Step Up Enzuigiri to Asuka. Valkyria follows that with two clotheslines. Sane reverses out of the irish whip from Valkyria. Valkyria cartwheels around Sane. Valkyria ducks a clothesline from Sane. Valkyria hits The Doctor Bomb for a two count. Sane attacks the midsection of Valkyria. Valkyria dodges The Spinning Back Fist. Valkyria kicks Sane in the gut. Valkyria goes for The Delayed Vertical Suplex, but Sane counters with The DDT. Sane kicks Valkyria in the face. Asuka tags herself in. CodeBreaker/BlockBuster Combination for a two count. Asuka sends Valkyria to the corner. Valkyria dives over Asuka. Valkyria with a Spinning Heel Kick.
Valkyria applies a front face lock. Valkyria tags in Bayley. Valkyria with The Fisherman’s Buster. Bayley lands The Flying Elbow Drop for a two count. Bayley tags in Valkyria. Asuka with a Snap German Suplex. Valkyria with a running forearm smash to Sane. Asuka responds with a Roundhouse Kick. Asuka gets Valkyria tied up in the tree of woe. Asuka tags in Sane. Sane with The Flying Double Foot Stomp for a two count. Asuka drops Bayley with The Buzzsaw Kick. Bayley delivers The Bayley to Belly onto the announce table. Bayley points at the WrestleMania Sign. Bayley goes for The Flying Elbow Drop, but Asuka ducks out of the way. Asuka and Sane continue to bicker on the outside. Valkyria nails Sane with The Wrecking Ball Dropkick. Valkyria rolls Sane back into the ring. Valkyria connects with The Night Wing to pickup the victory. After the match, Jackie Redmond had a post-match interview with Bayley and Valkyria. Have they been feeling the pressure of trying to find a way onto the WrestleMania card? Bayley says that they feel pretty good after beating one of the best tag teams of all-time. Valkyria knows that they can beat The Irresistible Forces. Bayley says that they run the tag team division. Bayley proceeds to challenge The Irresistible Forces to a match for next week at Madison Square Garden.
Winner: Bayley & Lyra Valkyria via Pinfall
– Tiffany Stratton Vignette.
– Adam Pearce and iShowSpeed runs into Danhausen in the backstage area. Danhausen gets a massive reception. Danhausen introduces himself as a WWE Legend, and he has a question for Speed. How about Speed gives Danhausen the password to his Instagram, they can change the name of the show to iShowSpeedHausen and split the profits? Speed rejects the offer. Danhausen has a new achievement for Speed. iShowSpeed is officially cursed. Danhausen disappears. Speed is pissed off. Pearce tells Speed to have a good rest of his night.
– We got a video recap of Randy Orton’s promo from last week’s SmackDown. Cody Rhodes will be appearing on The Pat McAfee Show this Wednesday and he’ll be making his first comments since being attacked by Randy Orton a couple weeks ago.
– Asuka blames Kairi Sane for their loss tonight. If Kairi cares about their team, they need to prove it. Kairi looks completely dejected as Asuka walks away. Iyo Sky appears. Iyo knows that she’s had her ups and downs with The Warriors as of late, but Kairi doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, she deserves better. Asuka screams for Kairi. Iyo turns around and sees Raquel Rodriguez. First, Rhea Ripley leaves Iyo all alone, obviously Kairi wants nothing to do with her, so what was her plan last week, to befriend Stephanie Vaquer? All Iyo did was prevent Raquel the satisfaction of driving Stephanie’s head into the mat. Iyo had no problem interfering in Raquel’s match and she would do it again and again if she had the chance to. Raquel tells Iyo to meet her in the ring next week. Iyo accepts Raquel’s challenge.
– As Dominik Mysterio was making his entrance with Liv Morgan, Stephanie Vaquer proceeded to attack Liv from behind. Vaquer transitions into a ground and pound attack. Vaquer dropped Dom with a running forearm smash. Vaquer is being held back by the referees. Liv drive Vaquer’s head into the Titantron. Liv and Vaquer proceeded to bring their brawl inside the Gorilla Position.
Fourth Match: PENTA (c) vs. Dominik Mysterio w/JD McDonagh For The WWE Intercontinental Championship
Mysterio attacks Penta from behind during the championship introductions. Mysterio repeatedly stomps on Penta’s chest. Mysterio sends Penta to the corner. Mysterio with a running corner clothesline. Penta dives over Mysterio. Penta ducks a clothesline from Mysterio. Penta with a Hurricanrana. Penta with a Tilt-A-Whirl BackBreaker. Penta SuperKicks Mysterio. Penta with a Running Enzuigiri. Penta sweeps out the legs of Mysterio. Penta with The Delayed Corner Handstand Dropkick. Mysterio dropkicks Penta to the floor. Mysterio turns a Suicide Dive into a Tornado DDT on the floor. Mysterio has complete control of the match during the commercial break. Penta kicks the left hamstring of Mysterio. Mysterio reverses out of the irish whip from Penta. Penta kicks Mysterio in the chest. Penta ducks a clothesline from Mysterio. Penta thrust kicks the back of Mysterio’s right knee. Penta drops Mysterio with The Reverse SlingBlade. Penta lands The SomerSault Plancha.
Penta rolls Mysterio back into the ring. Penta with The Flying Crossbody Block. Penta blocks a boot from Mysterio. Penta with a Leg Capture Suplex for a two count. Penta goes for The Penta Driver, but Mysterio lands back on his feet. Mysterio goes for The Michinoku Driver, but Penta lands back on his feet. Penta ducks a clothesline from Mysterio. Penta hits The Penta Driver for a two count. Penta goes for The Mexican Destroyer, but Mysterio counters with The Michinoku Driver for a two count. Mysterio with a drop toe hold into the middle rope. Mysterio goes for The 619, but Penta counters with a SuperKick. McDonagh runs interference. Penta takes a swipe at McDonagh. Mysterio dropkicks Penta into the middle rope. Mysterio delivers The 619. Mysterio ascends to the top turnbuckle. Finn Balor makes his way down to the ring.
Balor kicks McDonagh in the gut. Balor throws McDonagh into the Titantron. Balor launches McDonagh into the production area on the side of the stage. Mysterio goes for The Frog Splash, but Penta gets his knees up in the air. Penta connects with The Small Package to pickup the victory. After the match, Mysterio tries to run away from Balor. Balor pulls Mysterio back into the ring. Balor transitions into a ground and pound attack. Balor drops Mysterio with The SlingBlade. Balor blasts Mysterio with The Shotgun Dropkick. Balor prepares for The Coupe De Grace. McDonagh pulls Mysterio out of the ring. Balor lands The SomerSault Plancha. Balor rolls Mysterio back into the ring. Balor ducks a clothesline from McDonagh. Balor with The Slop Drop. Mysterio hightails it out of TD Garden. Mysterio leaves McDonagh high and dry. Balor delivers another Shotgun Dropkick. Balor plants McDonagh with The Coupe De Grace. Balor stares down Mysterio.
Winner: Still WWE Intercontinental Champion, PENTA via Pinfall
– CM Punk runs into Jimmy Uso inside the Gorilla Position. Jimmy is not trying to tell Punk what to do, but he should be very careful, because Jey Uso is on a warpath. Punk’s music hits. Punk thanks Big Jim for the warning.
– Next week on Raw from Madison Square Garden, The Usos will put their World Tag Team Title on the line against The Vision in a Street Fight.
CM Punk, Roman Reigns, The Usos Segment
CM Punk: Y’all having some fun tonight? Did you guys hear what Jimmy Uso said to me right before I came out here? Something of a warning, told me to watch what I say, because his brother, Roman Reigns cousin, one half of the tag team champions, Jey Uso is on a warpath tonight. Well, I suppose to watch what I say, shouldn’t I? No? Alright, the I’s have it. It goes to show you that Roman Reigns can’t do anything without his cousins. What I didn’t know is that the cousins couldn’t do anything without Roman Reigns. And nobody in that family, the entire family can do anything by themselves, they always need the backup, they need the help. Nobody in that family can be Heavyweight Champion of the world. Man, I got them all so shook, last week, Roman Reigns made a decree, he said his entire bloodline, all the Samoans in Samoa can come after me, if they so choose. And you know how many Samoans since then have even looked at me crossed? It’s a big fat zero, ladies and gentlemen. Pardon my language, earmuffs for all the little kids. This is the shit talk business.
We do and say awful things to each other to try to sell the big title fight, and that’s my job. But these all are just words, and Boston, I gotta be honest with you. Being in a badass blue-collar city like this, I’m tired of talking. Sticks and stones, and all of these things are just empty words, but Roman did said one thing that pissed me off. Roman called me old. But some of you will understand this, it’s not what he said, it’s who said it. And I stand in this ring in front of the world, and I’ll tell y’all, my young boy does not get to disrespect me and call me old. So, let’s get down to it, Boston. Am I old? Am I old? Here’s the thing, if I told you all here to your face that I wasn’t, you would know that I’m a liar. Am I old? Yeah, I’m old. Am I ashamed of it? Hell no. Not, no, hell no. In fact, I’m proud of it. If I was ashamed of how old I was, well, I would be covering up these gray wickers with Just For Men just like Roman does. I am proud of who I am, my age, and what I’ve done and where I come from. I’m middle aged and crazy like Terry Funk. I’m the same age Nolan Ryan was when he beat Robin Ventura’s ass on the mound, and he was still throwing no hitters. Gordie Howe played professional hockey until he was 52 years old, and they call him, Mr. Hockey. Well, I’m Mr. Game 7, the older I get, the more pressure I feel. And the more pressure I feel, the better I get. Age, ladies and gentlemen, is just a number. Just ask me how I feel? Ask me how I feel, Boston? I’m old, but I’m not insecure. I don’t come out here and ask you to acknowledge me.
I come out here and tell you, I feel great, I feel like the best in the world. I come out here and I ask you a question, is it great to be alive on a Monday night in Boston or what? Roman Reigns, if you look at me, and all you see is an old man, you’ve already lost, because you have underestimated me. Last week, this old man dropped you on your ass with one punch. At WrestleMania, this old man is gonna tie you into knots. At WrestleMania, 20 minutes deep, when you’re gasping for air and all that oil and jizz you cover yourself in dries up, just like your chances of ever being Heavyweight Champion are gone. And I hit you and jack you up with a GTS, and you go to sleep and you wake up Monday morning, and you realize that I’m the best in the world, man, you just got beat up by an old man. But not just an old man, you got beat by THE old man. I thought this was gonna be tough. You know who is tough? You know someone who didn’t underestimate me and still couldn’t get the job done was GUNTHER. You know who else didn’t underestimate me and couldn’t get the job done, one-on-one? Jey Uso. And if I got to fight all the Samoans, we might as well start over with him. I’ll fight every single one of them, and I’ll do it right here in Boston. Because what is he gonna do, is he gonna YEET me to death?
Jey Uso makes his way down to the ring.
CM Punk: What are you gonna do? You want to throw hands or do you want to talk, cousin? Yeah?
Punk finally lets Jey walk into the ring.
Jey Uso: Yo ass is old, Punk. Yeah, you got in your head a bit too many times, just like me, because you’re still out here running your damn mouth. Yeah, running your mouth about my family. Man, you’re running your mouth about me. We can do it, right now though, Punk. Do it right now, uce. I’ll run it back on your old ass, right now.
CM Punk: I did say I was tired of talking, and you never got your rematch that you rightfully deserve. You want to run it right here in Boston? Brother, I’m not dressed for it, but I’m a fighting champion.
Jey Uso: I’m down, Punk, let’s do it.
Jimmy Uso: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. What are you doing out here?
CM Punk: Yeah, what are you doing out here?
Jimmy Uso: I ain’t talking to you, Punk. I ain’t even talking to you, Punk. Yo, man, I understand how you’re feeling, but every time you get emotional, brother, you don’t think. Look at me, all you do is see red, uce, alright? Because of that, we got disqualified. Because of that, our damn tag team championships are on the line next week.
Jey Uso: I don’t give a damn about no tag team championships right now, uce.
Jimmy Uso: Hey, I need you to lock in. Listen to me, listen to me, you leave him to The OTC, alright. Hey, honestly, we ain’t got nothing to do with him.
Jey Uso: Hey, he got everything to do with us. All this fool do is walk around, talk shit, talk about the family. Nah, nah, hey, matter of fact, where Roman at? He not even out here.
CM Punk: Yeah, where is he? I don’t know, man, I ask the same thing every week.
Jey Uso: But I am. I am here. Say it to me.
– Roman Reigns finally makes his way down to the ring.
Roman Reigns: Last time I checked, you already had a tag match, is that right?
Jimmy Uso: That’s right.
Roman Reigns: And it’s done now, right?
Jimmy Uso: That’s right.
Roman Reigns: So, I’m gonna say this as respectfully as I can, get your brother and leave my ring.
CM Punk: I think he should stay, he needs the help.
Jey breaks free from Jimmy and starts charging towards Punk. Punk drops Jey with a right hand. Jimmy is trying to hold back Punk. Reigns clocks Punk with The Superman Punch from behind. Adam Pearce and officials are trying to defuse the situation. Jey tells Roman to get him. Roman proceeds to spear Punk. Roman kicks Punk out of the ring. Roman repeatedly drives Punk face first into the steel ring post. Roman PowerBombs Punk through the announce table. Roman has completely snapped. Punk starts laughing. Punk says that he doesn’t need any help as the show goes off the air.
Total Run-Time: 2 Hours, 30 Minutes, 23 Seconds
Checkout Episode Two Of The SUR Files
Pro Wrestling Transcriptions 